Genealogy Humor

sometimes, we just need to laugh a little...

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Here lies the body of Mary Jones

Who died through eating cherry stones

Her name was Smith not Mary Jones

But Smith don't rhyme with cherry stones

* * * * *

Written by Brian <brianfur@breathemail.net> Previously published by Julia M. Case and Myra

Vanderpool Gormley, CG, Missing Links, Vol. 5, No. 39, 27 September 2000. RootsWeb: http://www.rootsweb.com/

* * * * *

 

Dear Son:

I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address as the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts I it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes.

About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He's cutting grass at the cemetery.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off until he drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time, nothin' much happened, Write more often.

Love,

Mom

P.S. Was going to send some money, but the envelop was sealed.

 

A computer was something on TV

From a science fiction show of note

 

A window was something you hated to clean

And ram was the cousin of a goat.

 

Meg was the name of someone's girlfriend

And gig was a job for the nights

 

Now they all mean different things

And that really mega bytes.

 

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

 

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano.

 

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

 

And if you had a 3-in. floppy

You hoped nobody found out.

 

Compress was something you did to the garbage

Not something you did to a file

 

And if you unzipped anything in public

You'd be in jail for a while.

 

Log on was adding wood to the fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

 

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode.

 

Cut you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

 

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu.

 

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head

 

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

But when it happens they wish they were dead.

Alas, my elusive kinsman
You've led me quite a chase

I thought I'd found your courthouse

But the Yankees burned the place.

You always kept your bags packed

Although you had no fame, and

Just for the fun of it

Twice you changed your name.

You never owed any man, or

At least I found no bills

In spite of eleven offspring

You never left a will.

They say our name's from Europe

Came state side on a ship

Either they lost the passenger list

Or granddad gave them the slip.

I'm the only one looking

Another searcher I can't find

I pray (maybe that's his fathers name)

As I go out of my mind.

They said you had a headstone

In a shady plot

I've been there twenty times, and

Can't even find the lot.

You never wrote a letter

Your Bible we can't find

It's probably in some attic

Out of sight and out of mind.

You first married a .....Smith

And just to set the tone

The other four were Sarahs

And everyone a Jones.

You cost me two fortunes

One of which I did not have

My wife, my house and Fido

God, how I miss that yellow lab.

But somewhere you slipped up,

Ole Boy, Somewhere you left a track

And if I don't find you this year

Well...... Next year I'll be back!

The Name Game

A researcher writes: "When searching for the surname LIZER, I inevitably

encounter three sisters: Ana, Breatha, and Ferti. Despite

exhaustive research, I cannot find the link between their family

and my grandfather, Nutri."

 

 

---

More Tombstone Inscriptions:

 

Played Five Aces,

Now Playing the Harp

(from Boot Hill Cemetery, Dodge City, Kansas)

 

+++++++++++++

 

Sacred to the Remains of

Jonathan Thompson

A Pious Christian and

Affectionate Husband

- -

His Disconsolate Widow

Continues to Carry on

His Grocery Business

At the Old Stand on

Main Street: Cheapest

and Best Prices in Town

 

++++++++++++

 

Here Lies the Body

Of Our Dear Anna

Done to Death

By a Banana:

It Wasn't the Fruit

That Dealt the Blow

But the Skin of the Thing

That Laid Her Low

 

++++++++++++

 

To the Green Memory of

William Hawkins

Gardener:

Planted Here

With Love and Care

by his

Grieving Colleagues

 

++++++++++++

 

For those interested in reading more epitaphs, visit "The Epitaph Browser" at:

http://www.alsirat.com/epitaphs/index.html

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* * * * * * *

One Way to Handle Those "Problem" Ancestors

 

The Smiths were proud of their family story. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower.

The family tree included Senators as well as Wall Street millionaires.

They decided to compile a family history as a legacy for their children and grandchildren.

But as they gathered facts, a huge problem arose.

How could they possibly include that unwanted information about great-uncle George, who had been

EXECUTED IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR!!!

 

They hired a professional writer, who told them, "NO PROBLEM".

He promised to handle the story tactfully. And so he did.

The book was published, and here's what it said about Uncle George:

 

"Great-Uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution.

He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and indeed his death came as a great shock."

* * * * * *

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MORE NOTES FROM THE FAMILY HISTORY CENTER FILES...

~~ To the FHC, enclosed, please find my grandmother. I have worked on her for 50 years without success. Now see what you can do.

** I've looked for grandpa for over 20 years. Do you have him in your library?

~~ I am sorry we do not have complete families. The trouble here is extracting the children from the minister.

** For Sale: We have an antique desk just right for genealogy work and a lady, with thick legs, and large drawers.

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You Know You're An Addicted Genealogist....

 

• When you brake for libraries.
• When you get locked in the library overnight and you never even notice
• When you hyperventilate at the sight of an old cemetery
• If you'd rather browse in a cemetery than a shopping mall
• When you think every home should have a microfilm reader
• If you'd rather read census schedules than a good book
• When you know the town clerk in every county by name
• If town clerks lock the door when they see you coming
• When you're more interested in what happened in 1797 than 1997
• If you store clothing under the bed and your closet is carefully stacked with notebooks and journals
• If you can pinpoint Kirkcaldy and Inverness on a map but you're still not sure if Whitehorse is in the Yukon or Washington in DC
• When all your correspondence begins "Dear Cousin"
• If you've traced your ancestral lines back to Adam and Eve, have it fully documented, and still don't want to quit.

 

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DID YOU KNOW? ...From a newspaper clipping (with, of course, no date or source) :-)

by June Logue, Correspondent

 

We are survivors! The definition of a survivor is anyone born before 1945.

We were born before credit cards, television, frozen foods, plastics, contact lenses, frisbees, and the pill.

We were before pantyhose, house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers and computer marriages.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, artificial hearts, yogurt and guys wearing earrings.

We got married first and then lived together.

And having a meaningful relationship meant getting along well with our cousins.

How quaint can you be?

In 1940, "Made in Japan" meant junk, and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam.

In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable, grass was mowed,

Coke was a cold drink and pot was something you cooked in.

Rock music was Grandma's lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the principal's office.

We hit the scene when you bought things for five and ten cents in the dime store.

For one nickel, you could make a phone call, buy a Pepsi, or enough stamps to mail one letter and two post cards.

You could buy a new Chevy coupe for $600, but who could afford one?

A pity, too, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

We certainly were not before the differences between the sexes were discovered,

But we surely were before the sex change.

We made do with what we had.

And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby.

 

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DO YOU REMEMBER?????????????

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles

5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines

8. Newsreels before the movie

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15. S&H Green Stamps

16. Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with levers

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulbs

20. Beanie and Cecil

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

> >

> >

If you remembered 0-5 You're still young

If you remembered 6-10 You are getting older

If you remembered 11-15 Don't tell your age

If you remembered 16-25 You're older than dirt!

...contributed by Anna Penny

 

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~~ Corresponding by e-mail? Making the rounds are these brief codes that could be added to the subject line of a reply.

 

(CAAHINAATYQ) Cheap Attempt At Humor Included, Not an Answer to Your Question

(RITAI) Real intelligent, thoughtful answer included

(GIUITH) Give it up, it's too hard

(WWHBYMHY) We won't help because you might hurt yourself

(YBICI) You blew it, correction included

(GALL) Get a life, lamebrain

(DPI) Danger, pun included

(OTBIFCTST) Off topic, but I feel compelled to say this

(SCI) Spelling corrections included

(DROAPNI) Derogatory remarks of a personal nature included

(TIACATAL) This is a cheap attempt to appear literate

(AIBNTYQ) Answer included, but not to your question

(WDDHST) We don't do homework, so there

(IDRKBIAA) I don't really know, but I'll answer anyway

(DITWS) Do it this way, stupid

(WDYWTDTA) Why do you want to do that, anyway

(ASTLMIR) Answer space too large, more information required

(JPTGMNITT) Just posting to get my name in this thread

(CAOFMOB) Contains an apology for my offensive behavior

(MPAWABLOS) My previous answer was affected by lack of sleep

(ICIULRI) "I'm cool, I use Linux" remarks included

(THIAFSF) This is a request for something free

(IRTCMA) I refuse to code my answers

 

* * * * *

 

 

---

..............Who Am I ?

I started out calmly, tracing my tree,

To find if I could find the makings of me.

And all that I had was Great-grandfather's name,

Not knowing his wife or from where he came.

I chased him across a long line of states,

And came up with pages and pages of dates.

When all put together, it made me forlorn,

Proved poor Great-grandpa had never been born.

One day I was sure the truth I had found,

Determined to turn this whole thing upside down.

I looked up the record of one Uncle John,

But then I found the old man to be younger than his son.

Then when my hopes were fast growing dim,

I came across records that must have been him.

The facts I collected made me quite sad,

Dear old Great grandfather was never a Dad.

I think someone is pulling my leg,

I am not at all sure I wasn't hatched from an egg.

After hundreds of dollars I've spent on my tree,

I can't help but wonder if I'm really me..

.....Found on Roots-L, author unknown

 

 

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My New Spell Checker

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin not sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight for it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

nd eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.

####

 

• Sir Charge . . . Royal mail order clerk
• Sir Lee . . . Royal bureaucrat
• Sir Loin . . . Royal butcher
• Sir Mise . . . Royal detective
• Sir Mount . . . Royal mountain climber
• Sir Plus . . . Royal supply officer
• Sir Press . . . Royal censor
• Sir Prize . . . Royal tactician
• Sir Render . . . Royal tactician (retired)
• Sir Round . . . Royal moat builder
• Sir Vey . . . Royal surveyor
• Sir Vive . . . Royal adventurer

1. - You are the only person to show up at the cemetery research party with a shovel.
2. - To put the "final touches" on your genealogical research, you've asked all of your closest relatives to provide DNA samples.
3. - You were instrumental in having "non-genealogical use of the genealogy room copy machine" classified as a federal hate crime.
4. - Your house leans slightly toward the side where your genealogical records are stored.
5. - You decided to take a two-week break from genealogy, and the U.S. Postal Office immediately laid off 1,500 employees.
6. - Out of respect for your best friend's unquestioned reputation for honesty and integrity, you are willing to turn off that noisy surveillance camera while she reviews your 57 genealogical research notebooks in your home. The armed security guard, however, will remain.
7. - You plod merrily along "refining" your recently published family history, blissfully unaware that the number of errata pages now far exceeds the number of pages in your original publication.
8. - During an ice storm and power outage, you ignore the pleas of your shivering spouse and place your last quilt around that 1886 photograph of dear Uncle George.
9. - The most recent document in your "Missing Ancestors" file is a 36- page contract between you and Johnson Billboard Advertising Company.
10. - Ed McMahon, several t.v. cameras and an envelope from Publishers Clearing House arrive at your front door on Super Bowl Sunday, and the first thing you say is, "Are you related to the McMahons of Ohio?"
11. - "A Loving Family" and "Financial Security" have moved up to second and third, respectively, on your list of life's goals, but still lag far behind "Owning My Own Microfilm Reader."
12. - A magical genie appears and agrees to grant your any one wish, and you ask that the 1890 census be restored.

These questions are from actual correspondence received by the LDS Family History Library in Salt Lake City:

~~ Our 2nd great-grandfather was found dead crossing the plains in the library.
** He was married 3 times in the endowment house and has 21 children.
~~ For running down Wheelers, I will send $3 more.
** He and his daughter are listed as not being born.
~~ I would like to find out if I have any living relatives or dead relatives or ancestors in my family.
** Will you send me a list of all the Dripps in your library?
~~ My grandfather died at age 3.
** We are sending you 5 children in a separate envelope.
~~ Documentation: Family Bible in possession of Aunt Merle until tornado hit Topeka, Kansas, now only the Good Lord knows where it is....
** The wife of #22 could not be found; I have worked on her for 30 years without success; now see what you can do.
~~ I have a hard time finding myself in London; if I was there I was very small and cannot be found.
** This family had 7 nephews that I am unable to find; if you know who they are, please add them to the list.
~~ We lost our grandmother. Will you please send us a copy?
** Will you please send me the name of my first wife. I have forgotten her name.
~~ A 14 year old boy wrote: "I do not want you to do research for me. Will you please send me all the material on the Welch line in the U.S., England, and Scotland countries? I will do the research."
** Further research will be necessary to eliminate one of my parents.

 

---

• My family coat of arms ties at the back....is that normal?
• My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated
• My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
• Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
• My hobby is genealogy, I raise dust bunnies as pets.
• How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE??
• I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap..
• I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged
• I'm searching for myself; Have you seen me ?
• If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help...
• Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem, leads to two more!
• It's 1999... Do you know where your-Great-G...-Grandparents are?
• A family reunion is an effective form of birth control
• A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots
• A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away
• After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted
• Am I the only person up my tree... sure seems like it
• Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts and a few bad apples
• Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
• FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.
• Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease, but I love it
• Genealogists are time unravelers
• Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide... I seek!
• Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people
• "Crazy" is a relative term in my family
• A pack rat is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor
• I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand
• I Should have asked them BEFORE they died!
• I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days
• I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNEflower
• Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress
• Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality
• Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
• It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening nor a thief.
• Many a family tree needs pruning
• Shh! Be very, very quiet.... I'm hunting forebears.
• Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
• That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!
• I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes
• Genealogists live in the past lane
• Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!
• Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree
• Alright! Everybody out of the gene pool!
• Always willing to share my ignorance....
• Documentation...The hardest part of genealogy
• Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
• Genealogy...will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?
• That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards
• I researched my family tree... and apparently I don't exist!
• SO MANY ANCESTORS...........................SO LITTLE TIME!

A play on names in Ruidoso, New Mexico:

Here lies Johnny Yeast
Pardon me for not rising.

Memory of an accident in Uniontown, Pennsylvania:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas, Instead of the brake.

Weller's Cemetery in Thurmont, Maryland:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

In a Georgia cemetery:

"I told you I was sick!"

Lester Moore, Boot Hill Cemetery, 1880's, Tombstone, Arizona

Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a 44
No Les No More.

Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.

- Compiled by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com

The European Commission on the European Unification (EU) just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room
for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that wouldbe known as "EuroEnglish."

1. In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c." Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have less letters.

2. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

3. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away.

4. By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v." During ze fif year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinazuns of leters.

5. After ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a veri sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu unerstan ech ozer.

Geneology Pox

WARNING: Very Contagious to Adults!!

Symptoms: Continual complaint as to need for names, dates, and places. Patient has blank expression,
some times deaf to spouse and children and grandchildren. Has no taste for work of any kind except
feverishly looking through records at libraries and court houses.

Has compulsion to write letters. Swears at mailman when he doesn't leave mail. Frequents strange
places, such as cemeteries, ruins, and remote desolate country areas. Makes secret night calls. Hides
phone bill from spouse. Mumbles to self. Has strange faraway look in eyes.

NO KNOWN CURE: Medication is useless Disease is not fatal but gets progressively worse. Patient
should attend genealogy work-shops, subscribe to genealogy magazines and be given a quiet corner in the
house where they can be alone.

REMARKS: The usual nature of this disease is "The Sicker the patient gets, the more they enjoy it".

After much careful research it has been discovered that the

artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: